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Received by:James Padgett
Washington D.C.
I am here, a troubled spirit, and a very unhappy one, besides.
I need help, and you will help me, won't you? Do not say that you
can't.
I am a man who committed the worst of all crimes. I took my own
life in a fit of desperation and under great excitement at what
I thought was unusual injuries done me by another. I was a married
man and a friend entered my home and despoiled it, and took my wife
away from me; and in my despair, not wishing to live longer, I killed
myself. But the fearful mistake! Since that time I have suffered
all the tortures of the damned, as I am one of the worst of spirits.
No sin is so great and incurs such damnation as that of the suicide,
and it seems that for him there is no hope. I am without hope or
expectation of any release from my awful condition, and I can find
no help among my companions, who are all in a similar condition.
Let me tell you that annihilation is a heaven to what I suffer.
No hope, no light, no love, no sympathy, and no God. Oh, why was
I ever born that I should be so tormented! My life on earth was
not a very bad one, and I used to treat everyone as I desired them
to treat me and I loved my wife and children with a pure and unselfish
love, as I thought, and trusted my friends. I know that I was an
average good man and did not intentionally harm anyone. But when
the realization of the awful injury done to me came to my soul I
lost all reason, as it were, and did that which I had no right to
do.
My life was not my own. It was given me by God as a sacred trust,
and I had no right to end it. I could not restore it, and I was
recreant to my trust.
So you see, I have no way of making recompense to God for doing
that awful deed. He demands that I atone for that deed, and I don't
know how, as I can see the only atonement that I can make is to
restore that life, and that I cannot do. So you see I have no hope
- only one bitter long night of suffering and torment through all
eternity. Oh. why was I born, tell me if you can?
I do not believe that there is any way for me to escape the penalty
of my great crime, and hence, hope has died in me. If I only had
the faintest ray, I should not despair as I do. But to me hope is
not even a will-o'-the-wisp, for I never see even the image of hope.
So tell me, do you know a way out of this fearful condition of night
and despair?
I will try to believe you.
Well, I am J____ I lived in a small town in the East (New London,
Connecticut), and I passed over in 1864, while the great war was
raging.
Yes, he is here, and is suffering, too, damn him. If I could only
kill him as I killed myself, I would feel better satisfied and think
that I was suffering in a good cause, and let my torment be my feast
or flavors of the feast of my revenge. But I cannot kill him and
he knows it, and says that I need not rage so, because he will not
give me the revenge. So he is free from my vengeance, but he suffers,
damn him, and I only wish that I could increase his tortures tenfold
and ten times tenfold.
Yes, my wife is here, too, and suffering. Strange as it may seem,
I have no hatred for her, as I believe that she was deceived, and
in the weakness of her woman's nature submitted to the overpowering
influence of that fiend who seduced her. Oh, for a moment of freedom
and the opportunity to wreak my vengeance on him.
Well, I am trying to forget him, as you request, and I am feeling
better. Yes, I do. Yes, I see that only God can forgive me, as you
say.
Well, I would say that He is just, and that I had no right to ask
his forgiveness, when I had not forgiven one who injured me as you
say. I see what you mean, but how can I forgive that wretch. I don't
know how, and yet, if I do not, how can I expect God to forgive
me? Oh, my unhappy condition ! Tell me, is there no other way out
of my awful condition, for if there is, I won't forgive that villain.
Yes, I will think of it, and maybe my heart will relent, and I
will be able to forgive him.
Oh, my darling wife! To think that all my life and love and hope
were wrecked by that one man. It is so hard, and I am so very helpless.
Yes, only show me the way.
Yes, and oh, so beautiful and good. But they do not care for me
or my unhappiness.
Well, I have asked and a beautiful spirit tells me that she is
your mother, and knows why you sent me to her, and that she is willing
to help me. She tells me that she sympathizes with and loves me,
and wants to show me the way to happiness and light. I will go with
her, for I believe that she will help me.
So, as she calls me, I will say that I am thankful to you, and
will come again sometime. So good-night.
J____
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